April 10 – How Our Sense of Fairness Develops

“When I despair, I remember that all through history, the way of truth and love has always won. There have been tyrants and murderers and for a time they seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall…think of it, always.” Mohandas (Mahatma) K. Gandhi

Fairness, a cornerstone of human connection, isn't a singular concept that magically appears. It's a journey with distinct stages, shaped by our experiences and evolving as we grow. Today, we will explore the fascinating path we take in developing our sense of fairness.

Stage One - Building the Moral Compass

The initial spark of fairness ignites within the family unit. B. Janet Hibbs, in her book Try to See It My Way, argues that fairness in close relationships "begins with the decisive first step of acknowledging that fairness is at the heart of all healthy relationships."

Here, we learn the foundational rules of right and wrong. Parents and caregivers become the architects of our initial "fairness script," a mix of perceptions and expectations about give-and-take. This script, though deeply ingrained, isn't a universal truth. It's a personal narrative shaped by unique family dynamics.

Hibbs emphasizes that this script is often "idiosyncratic and messy," formed by unexpressed beliefs and assumptions. We learn what fairness means within the context of our families, creating a sense of what we owe and deserve in relationships. This internal fairness compass guides our early interactions with the world.

Stage Two - Expanding the Circle

As we venture beyond the family unit, our understanding of fairness broadens. Interactions with friends, classmates, and teachers introduce the concept of reciprocity - treating others as we wish to be treated. Sharing toys, taking turns on the playground, and cooperating in games become practical applications of fairness. This stage marks a crucial shift, where fairness isn't just about following parental rules but about considering another person's perspective.

Stage Three - Fairness Beyond Equality

With maturity comes a deeper understanding of fairness as equity. We begin to recognize that equal treatment isn't always fair. A younger sibling might need more help with homework, or a friend struggling financially might deserve a break on a shared expense. True fairness, as Hibbs suggests, requires creating a level playing field that acknowledges individual needs and circumstances. This stage necessitates empathy and a willingness to see the world through another's eyes.

“Listen, but without ego.” Zen Buddhist statement

The journey toward fairness is lifelong. Our initial "fairness script" may not always serve us well in adulthood. As we encounter diverse experiences and forge new relationships, we must be open to revising our internal fairness model. Hibbs highlights the importance of recognizing that our familial fairness beliefs aren't universally applicable. Through conscious effort, we can re-evaluate and refine our initial script, fostering more equitable and fulfilling relationships.

This process of revision isn't always easy. Our deeply held assumptions about fairness can be clouded by unconscious biases. These biases, rooted in our upbringing and life experiences, can distort our perceptions of fairness. As Hibbs points out, "feelings seem so natural, people don't recognize the blind spots of their unexamined yet deeply held assumptions about fairness that trigger their feelings." Recognizing and challenging these biases is essential for fostering genuine fairness in our interactions with others.

By understanding the different stages of fairness development and the influence of our initial "fairness script," we can embark on a lifelong journey of refining our sense of fairness. Through conscious effort and open-mindedness, we can strive for a world where fairness isn't just a concept, but a guiding principle in our relationships and interactions.

Activities:

Children's Book Discussion: For younger children, read a children's book about fairness, such as The Paper Bag Princess by Robert Munsch, and discuss the concept of fairness presented in the story.

Class Debates: For older students, organize a classroom debate on a controversial topic. This encourages students to research and argue from different perspectives.

In today's increasingly digital world, it's easy to lose sight of what makes us human. The constant bombardment of screens and social media can distract us from cultivating essential qualities like kindness, empathy, and resilience.

My book, Nurturing Hopeful Resilience,  guides parents and caregivers through the challenges of raising children in a technology-driven age. It explores the importance of instilling strong values in children from a young age to help them develop into compassionate, responsible, and fulfilled individuals.

Through a series of practical exercises and insightful reflections, this book delves into fourteen core values: curiosity, awareness, kindness, learning, self-awareness, fairness, playfulness, compassion, service, belonging, trustworthiness, authenticity, community, and responsibility. Understanding and nurturing these values can empower our children to thrive in a complex and ever-changing world.

This book offers a roadmap for raising children who are academically successful, emotionally intelligent, socially adept, and morally grounded. It encourages readers to prioritize human connection, empathy, and compassion over material possessions and fleeting digital distractions. By embracing the power of values, we can create a brighter future for ourselves and generations to come.