February 17 – The Power of Authentic Connections: Navigating Life's Ups and Downs Together

“The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any.” Alice Walker

“Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears.” Les Brown

“Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends. Oh, I'm gonna try with a little help from my friends.” The Beatles

In her great book, Do Nothing, Celeste Headlee laments, “People are more likely to attend events and engage in activities that will look good on their Instagram feed. In many ways, we make decisions based on how the choices and outcomes might affect our resume of life.” This is one of the many reasons you should not believe everything you see on social media. People curate what they choose to show you, touching up what they see as flaws. They only show you the good stuff, or even worse, they fake most of it, because even the good stuff isn’t good enough. This isn’t real life and if you compare your life to everyone’s social media feeds, you will be, at the least, sorely disappointed.

When this kind of inauthenticity in relationships occurs, it is even worse. As a young mother, I went through this with my son’s father. He could not handle parenthood but saw that as a weakness and didn’t want the rest of the world to know. He is a person that needs to control everything and everyone around him, which is impossible to do to a baby. So, he tried to do it with me. The well-being of mothers is linked to four factors: feeling unconditionally loved, feeling comforted when distressed, authenticity in relationships, and satisfaction with friendships. I got none of those from him, not even the chance to have satisfaction with friendships because he tried to control when and how I saw my friends and tried to manipulate my relationships with them. In the end, it was my friends that saved me, by helping me get out, giving me a place to stay, and supporting me as a mother with a young child.

When I finally got away, I realized how much I had been living in a fiction that my ex-husband had created to make things better for himself. His main action was to gaslight me and others. In Toxic Positivity, Whitney Goodman defines gaslighting as “the manipulation and control of another person’s perspective for unethical reasons over an extended period of time.” It’s a challenge to your version of reality and forces you to question yourself and your perspective.

When I went to my friends about this, thankfully, they responded authentically with care, concern, honesty, and concrete ideas. If they had downplayed what I was going through or reacted negatively, I would not have felt supported. As Goodman clarifies, “Being genuine and authentic in moments of crisis or pain is important. It’s how we show up for each other and demonstrate that we’re listening, and we get it.” I felt supported and it affected how I saw myself and my situation. They chose the perfect words to relate to me and make me feel supported. Other people would say things like, “Oh, it can’t be that bad” or “wait a little while, maybe it will get better” because they didn’t know what to say or they weren’t genuinely listening. My friends connected with and related to me, so they were able to relate with compassion and empathy. Just as Goodman describes, “When we show up authentically, rather than using toxic positivity, we’re validating that what the other person is going through is real, empathizing, and not sugarcoating or denying their experience.”

When someone you know is in crisis, while you may not completely align with their approach or their perspective on the matter, you can genuinely try to establish a connection and support them. By being present with them and letting them express themselves fully (in a manner that respects your boundaries, naturally), you are conveying that you acknowledge their feelings.

If I did not have such authentic, compassionate friends, I don’t know where I would be today. If I had had social media back then, and believed everyone else was doing fine and it was all in my head, I would not have survived that period of my life. This is why there is a connection between social media, loneliness, and depression. Goodman explains, “If I believe everyone else is happy (because that is what they are telling me and showing me) and I’m struggling, you better believe I’m not telling anyone.” People assume that if they tell anyone, it will lead to judgment or criticism. It’s difficult to connect with others when you feel like you are the only one experiencing something. When you know you are not the only person feeling this way, it makes it a lot easier to share your struggles and successes.

In her book, Root and Ritual, Becca Piastrelli explains that “when we unhook the unrealistic expectations that are put on us from the start, we can restore the trust in ourselves and learn to accept the ebb and flow of a well-lived life.” Everyone has ups and downs; accepting these, learning from them, and riding them out are all part of life. Having authentic relationships helps to get through the tough times and celebrate the successes. I don’t know where I would be without my truly authentic friends.

Activity: Connect with Friends

If you already have authentic relationships, nurture them with conversations and rituals. Even though we are on separate continents now, I still talk to my friend, Renu, every Friday. This authentic connection helps me through the rest of my week. We talk about everything going on in our lives, the good and the bad. It makes the load a little bit easier to carry when it’s shared. If you already have friendships like this, make a date to go out for coffee or a monthly shopping trip. If they live far away, make a Zoom or WhatsApp date!

If you do not have friends like this, you probably won’t find them online. You need to get out into the world and connect with others who have shared interests. Find a club or group that you can join and connect with others through this. Most of my friends, I have met at work and those relationships have blossomed and sustained though most of us have retired at this point!

If you are going though something and really feel alone in it, you need to know that you are not alone. Until you can find someone to talk to, even a compassionate professional, use your curiosity, rather than suppressing the emotions, try to explore them. Suppressing your emotions makes it more intense and harder to manage. Write, draw, paint your emotions. Do not bottle them up! Reach out to others, you’ll be surprised at most people’s understanding response.

In today's increasingly digital world, it's easy to lose sight of what makes us human. The constant bombardment of screens and social media can distract us from cultivating essential qualities like kindness, empathy, and resilience.

Nurturing Hopeful Resilience guides parents and caregivers through the challenges of raising children in a technology-driven age. It explores the importance of instilling strong values in children from a young age to help them develop into compassionate, responsible, and fulfilled individuals.

Through a series of practical exercises and insightful reflections, this book delves into fourteen core values: curiosity, awareness, kindness, learning, self-awareness, fairness, playfulness, compassion, service, belonging, trustworthiness, authenticity, community, and responsibility. Understanding and nurturing these values can empower our children to thrive in a complex and ever-changing world.

This book offers a roadmap for raising children who are academically successful, emotionally intelligent, socially adept, and morally grounded. It encourages readers to prioritize human connection, empathy, and compassion over material possessions and fleeting digital distractions. By embracing the power of values, we can create a brighter future for ourselves and generations to come.