June 28 – Learning to Care: The Role of Family, Culture, and Society

“The definition of a friend is someone who’s coming in the door when everybody else is going out.” Walter Winchell

Our ability to care is not static; it develops and evolves throughout our lives. From the moment we are born to the day we become caregivers ourselves, the journey of learning to care is influenced by a multitude of factors. Today, we will explore how our capacity for care is shaped by family, environment, experiences, culture, and societal values. By examining these influences, we can gain a deeper understanding of the complex nature of caregiving and its vital role in human life.

Our journey of learning to care begins in infancy. The family environment plays a crucial role in shaping our early understanding of care and empathy. From the moment we are born, we rely on our caregivers for survival. The way we are nurtured and cared for in these early years lays the foundation for our own caregiving abilities.

I remember taking care of my dolls, giving them baths, dressing them in pajamas, and putting them to bed. I was imitating what I saw my mother do with my younger sister and brother. This simple act of mimicry highlights how children learn to care by observing and interacting with their caregivers. Positive reinforcement of caring behaviors, such as praising a child for sharing or comforting a friend, helps to nurture empathy and compassion.

However, the environment also plays a significant role. Children raised in a loving and supportive environment are more likely to develop strong caring instincts. Conversely, those who grow up in neglectful or abusive settings may struggle with empathy and forming healthy relationships. The early years are critical, and the lessons learned during this period can have lasting effects on our capacity to care. My father grew up an orphan, living at a military school from the age of 5. He did not learn to live in a family or care for others. His experiences as a child were much different than my mother’s.

As we grow older, our experiences continue to shape our understanding of care. School environments, friendships, and social interactions all contribute to our development as caregivers. For example, participating in team sports teaches us the importance of cooperation and looking out for one another. Volunteering and community service provide firsthand experiences of helping others and the fulfillment that comes from making a positive impact.

Personal experiences, both positive and negative, can profoundly influence our caring behaviors. Caring for my parents at the end of their lives taught me a lot about the value of compassion and the importance of being present for loved ones. I attribute this deep sense of empathy to the caregiving role I adopted at a young age. Not only did I learn to take care of my dolls, but I also learned to care for my siblings. My mom thought I would be a judge when I grew up because whenever there was a squabble, I would listen to both sides and try to find a solution that was equitable. This empathy also helped me be a better teacher. Sometimes, I feel like I am too empathetic, and I care too much about others’ feelings and problems. When I get too involved, I have had to teach myself to step back and patiently observe. This allows others to practice empathy. It also gives me a break and allows me to center myself.

Culture and societal values play a significant role in shaping caregiving expectations and behaviors. Different cultures have varying norms and traditions related to care, which can influence how individuals perceive and practice caregiving. In some cultures, caring for elderly family members is seen as a duty and an honor, while in others, professional caregivers are more commonly relied upon.

Arthur Kleinman, in his memoir, bluntly points out: “Often, in our society, boys are raised to be careless, girls to be careful.” This observation reflects how societal expectations can shape caregiving behaviors from a young age. While the pressure on women to be carers is much greater, it doesn't mean care is natural or easier for them. Cultural expectations can create a dichotomy where caring is undervalued when performed by women, yet often unrecognized or discouraged in men.

Kate Washington further elaborates on this point, noting that “Those pressures are most acute for women, who make up some 75% of family caregivers. My experience brought me to a deeper understanding of how our patriarchal culture demands women sacrifice themselves in almost any caring role—and how little it cares about what that does to us.” This societal expectation places a disproportionate burden on women, often leading to physical and emotional exhaustion, with little support or recognition for their efforts. I know many women who care for their husbands and children constantly, but when they are sick, no one takes care of them. This inequity is unacceptable and not sustainable.

As we transition into adulthood, the roles and responsibilities we take on further shape our capacity for care. Becoming a parent, for example, introduces new dimensions of caregiving. The intense, often overwhelming responsibility of nurturing a child can teach patience, empathy, and selflessness.

However, caregiving is not limited to parenting. Many adults find themselves in the role of caregivers for aging parents or ill partners. These experiences can be both challenging and rewarding, requiring a deep well of emotional resilience and practical skills. Through these experiences, we continue to grow and refine our ability to care.

The journey of learning to care is a lifelong process, influenced by family, environment, experiences, culture, and societal values. From infancy to adulthood, each stage of life offers opportunities to develop and deepen our capacity for care. Understanding these influences helps us appreciate the complexity and significance of caregiving in human life. As we continue to explore the value of caring in this book, let us remember that the ability to care is a precious and evolving trait that enriches our lives and the lives of those around us.

Activity –

Family Care Plans: Develop family care plans that outline how each member can contribute to caregiving responsibilities, ensuring a balanced and supportive approach.

Care Exchange Programs: Set up care exchange programs where community members can trade caregiving tasks, such as babysitting, pet sitting, or assisting with errands.

In today's increasingly digital world, it's easy to lose sight of what makes us human. The constant bombardment of screens and social media can distract us from cultivating essential qualities like kindness, empathy, and resilience.

My book, Nurturing Hopeful Resilience,  guides parents and caregivers through the challenges of raising children in a technology-driven age. It explores the importance of instilling strong values in children from a young age to help them develop into compassionate, responsible, and fulfilled individuals.

Through a series of practical exercises and insightful reflections, this book delves into fourteen core values: curiosity, awareness, kindness, learning, self-awareness, fairness, playfulness, compassion, service, belonging, trustworthiness, authenticity, community, and responsibility. Understanding and nurturing these values can empower our children to thrive in a complex and ever-changing world.

This book offers a roadmap for raising children who are academically successful, emotionally intelligent, socially adept, and morally grounded. It encourages readers to prioritize human connection, empathy, and compassion over material possessions and fleeting digital distractions. By embracing the power of values, we can create a brighter future for ourselves and generations to come.