April 18 – The Dance of Autonomy: Maintaining Your Self in Relationships

“Maybe other people will try to limit me but I don’t limit myself.” Jim Carrey

Human connection is essential for a fulfilling life, but it thrives alongside a healthy sense of autonomy. Just as a plant withers when crowded, without sunlight, so too can relationships falter if individuals lack the space to express their individuality and make their own choices. Today, we will explore why autonomy is crucial in all types of relationships and look for strategies for developing and maintaining it.

“Married or single, if you’re looking for a sense of completion, I encourage you to look inward … the irony of relationships is that you’re usually not ready for one until you can say from the deepest part of yourself, ‘I will never again give up my power to another person.’ Only then will you be a woman who’s ready for the strongest kind of connection.” Oprah Winfrey

Autonomy is vital for healthy development. Think about the parent-child relationship. Fostering autonomy in children is vital for their growth. As they mature, we gradually grant them more independence, allowing them to make choices in a safe environment and learn from consequences. This empowers them to develop a sense of self-reliance and the ability to navigate the world with confidence.

Mutual respect allows for the autonomy of each individual. In romantic partnerships, friendships, and work relationships, autonomy is about respecting each other's individuality. It allows partners to maintain their own interests and pursuits while building a strong connection.  Imagine a friendship where one person dictates all the activities. While there may be moments of enjoyment, the relationship is likely to feel imbalanced and ultimately unsustainable.

Encouraging autonomy actually helps to create stronger connections. Michelle Obama, in The Light We Carry, emphasizes that "when you know your own light, you are then better prepared to share it with another person." Developing your autonomy allows you to understand your own values, needs, and desires. This self-awareness strengthens your ability to connect authentically with others and build genuine intimacy.

“Sometimes people try to destroy you, precisely because they recognize your power.” Janet Mock

Here are some strategies for developing and maintaining autonomy in relationships with others:

Know Your Values - A strong foundation for autonomy is a clear understanding of your own values and goals. What is important to you in life? What principles guide your decisions? Spend time reflecting on these questions. Journaling or taking a personality assessment can be helpful tools for self-discovery.

Set Healthy Boundaries - Healthy boundaries are essential for maintaining autonomy in relationships. Boundaries communicate your needs and limitations to others. For example, you might set a boundary around the amount of overtime you are willing to work, or the amount of time you spend with extended family. Setting boundaries can feel uncomfortable at first, but it's a crucial skill for protecting your time and energy.

Maintain Your Individuality - Don't lose sight of your own interests and passions within a relationship. Make time for activities you enjoy, even if your partner doesn't share them. Nurturing your individuality strengthens your sense of self and makes you a more interesting and well-rounded person in the relationship.

Communicate Openly - Honest communication is essential in any relationship. When you feel your autonomy is threatened, voice your concerns in a respectful and assertive manner. Focus on "I" statements, such as "I feel frustrated when..."

Respect the Autonomy of Others - Just as you value your own autonomy, respect the autonomy of your partner, friends, or colleagues. This means allowing them to make their own choices, even if you disagree. Of course, respectful disagreement is healthy, but ultimately, the choice belongs to them.

Maintain Perspective - T.D. Jakes, in Disruptive Thinking, reminds us that "feeling better than the other stops us from admitting we are bad, flawed."  In relationships, avoid the trap of constantly comparing yourself to others. Focus on your own journey of growth and development and celebrate the unique strengths and interests of those around you.

“Don’t you ever let a soul in the world tell you that you can’t be exactly who you are.” Lady Gaga

Developing and maintaining autonomy is an ongoing process. It requires self-awareness, clear communication, and a willingness to set boundaries. By prioritizing your autonomy within your relationships, you create space for genuine connection, personal growth, and a more fulfilling life. Remember, as John O'Leary emphasizes in In Awe, "whose voice, opinion, or 'expertise' defines and limits your life?" Ultimately, the voice that matters most is your own. Embrace your autonomy, and use it to build strong, lasting relationships that nurture your individuality and support your personal growth.

 Journal Prompt:

Whose opinions matter most to you? Acknowledging who matters does not mean it is your responsibility to please them.

Why do you do what you do? The one person you need the approval of is you. When the way we are living is out of line with our values and what matters most, life stops feeling meaningful or satisfying.

In today's increasingly digital world, it's easy to lose sight of what makes us human. The constant bombardment of screens and social media can distract us from cultivating essential qualities like kindness, empathy, and resilience.

My book, Nurturing Hopeful Resilience,  guides parents and caregivers through the challenges of raising children in a technology-driven age. It explores the importance of instilling strong values in children from a young age to help them develop into compassionate, responsible, and fulfilled individuals.

Through a series of practical exercises and insightful reflections, this book delves into fourteen core values: curiosity, awareness, kindness, learning, self-awareness, fairness, playfulness, compassion, service, belonging, trustworthiness, authenticity, community, and responsibility. Understanding and nurturing these values can empower our children to thrive in a complex and ever-changing world.

This book offers a roadmap for raising children who are academically successful, emotionally intelligent, socially adept, and morally grounded. It encourages readers to prioritize human connection, empathy, and compassion over material possessions and fleeting digital distractions. By embracing the power of values, we can create a brighter future for ourselves and generations to come.