April 28 – Finding Your Tribe

“Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one. You need one because you are human.” Jane Howard

Finding your tribe is a journey of discovery, exploration, and connection. It's about seeking out people who share your values, interests, and passions, and who enrich your life in meaningful ways. It's about recognizing that belonging is not just about fitting in but about finding a community where you can contribute, grow, and thrive.

When we are young, we often fall into relationships with the people who are available to us—classmates, neighbors, teammates. As adults, the landscape changes, and we have the agency to seek out people who make us feel happy, understood, and valued. I wish, as a teenager, I had heard the words of John O’Leary, “in the very things that make us feel undesirable, or different, or broken, are in reality the very things that pull us closest together. They are the things that remind us of our shared stories and the larger truth that we’re not alone.”

“People have two needs: one is to be intimate, the other is to be independent. The greatest barrier to intimacy is the fear that closeness will get in the way of independence. Intimacy is realizing that each person is the custodian of their partner’s self-respect.” Mildred Newman and Bernard Berkowitz

As a teacher, I naturally gravitated towards friendships with my fellow teachers. Now that I am no longer in that role, I found myself wondering: Who can I connect with? Do I follow my interests, like joining a crochet group? Do I follow my new career path by joining a writing class?

Radha Agrawal, in her book Belong, describes the first stage of finding your tribe as the "Exploratory Stage." It's about exploring what's around you, learning about yourself, and being open to new experiences.

When I tried joining a political action group, I found it too intense for my liking. It wasn't my tribe. But by exploring various craft classes from cake decorating to pottery throwing with a creative friend, I began to discover what truly resonated with me.

Belonging is about shared values, responsibility, and the desire to participate in making your community better. As Agrawal emphasizes, "You can't belong if you only take." It's about showing up, offering your unique gifts to others, and being actively involved.

Signing up for a weekly newsletter that informs me about upcoming local events has been a game-changer. Through this, I have attended festivals, farmer's markets, Earth Day events, and more. I hope to attend a glass bead-making class, a play, concerts, outdoor movie events, and many other social activities in the future.

As Agrawal advises, "Stay patient and keep going back to your values, interests, and abilities." It's essential to stay authentic and true to what lights your fire. Don't just do what everyone else is doing; stay open to opportunities that feel like a stretch for you.

As Vivek H. Murthy states in Together, "We're going to need to intentionally be with people who are different than us." It's about learning how to listen, have hard conversations, and seek moments of togetherness, even with those who hold different views.

As Michelle Obama suggests in The Light We Carry, creating rituals and routines around friendship can be beneficial. Whether it's weekly coffees, monthly cocktails, or annual gatherings, these rituals can help nurture and maintain connections.

Finding your tribe is a dynamic and ongoing process. It requires curiosity, openness, and a willingness to step out of your comfort zone. It's about recognizing that in the very things that make us feel different or broken are the things that pull us closest together.

“I believe that love expands. As you give love out, it’s received and reciprocated-and it grows. That’s the beauty of it. Love is an energy. You can feed it to people and they in turn feed it to others and eventually it comes back.” Hill Harper

As John O'Leary notes in In Awe, "Sometimes critical resources of resilience come from our colleagues, communities, and loved ones." By tapping into our inner energy and the energy of those around us, we can build resilience and create a life filled with connection and belonging.

Activity - Building Connections Through Hospitality and Shared Spaces

Part 1: Embracing Hospitality

Objective: To open yourself up to new experiences and ideas by accepting hospitality when offered and learning from the perspectives of others.

Instructions:

Be Present: When someone offers you hospitality, whether it's an invitation for coffee, a dinner, or a community event, accept it. Instead of making excuses, show up and be fully present.

Openness to Learning: Engage in conversations with an open mind. Remember that everyone you meet has something valuable to teach you. Listen actively and seek to understand their experiences and viewpoints.

Reflect: After the interaction, take a moment to reflect on what you've learned. Write down any insights or lessons that stood out to you. Very rarely will you forget the meaningful connections you make.

Part 2: Creating a 'Third Space'

Objective: To establish a shared space that fosters relationship-building, community, and meaningful interactions.

Instructions:

Identify Your 'Third Space': Think about a space in your community that could serve as a 'third space.' This could be a back deck, a living room, a kitchen table, a park bench, or a front porch.

Invite Someone: Identify someone in your community or circle whom you'd like to get to know better. Extend an invitation to them to join you in your 'third space' for a casual gathering, like a coffee chat or a picnic.

Facilitate Meaningful Conversations: Use this shared space as an opportunity to engage in deeper conversations. Move beyond surface-level interactions and explore topics that matter to both of you. This can elevate the interaction from being transactional to personal, fostering connections that are good for the soul.

Reflect and Nurture: After the gathering, reflect on the experience and the connections you've made. Consider making this a regular practice to nurture and grow these newfound friendships.

By embracing hospitality and creating shared spaces, you can foster meaningful connections, build community, and enrich your life with diverse perspectives and experiences.

Activity – Small Talk

I hate making small talk or chit chat. It feels so superficial to ask “How are you doing?” or “What do you you do?”. In her book, Belong, Radha Agrawal lists five alternative questions. “What are you most excited about? What are you finding challenging right now? What’s the first birthday memory you have? What do you spend most of your time thinking about? If you could be anything, what could you be doing?” Using these as inspiration, I came up with other questions that could spark a deeper conversation, without seeming creepy.

What passion project or hobby are you currently invested in?

What's a recent book, podcast, or movie that has impacted your perspective on life?

What's a cherished memory from your childhood that you often revisit?

What's a skill or talent you've always wanted to learn or improve?

What's a place you've traveled to that left a lasting impression on you?

What's a cause or issue that you feel passionate about and why?

What's a personal goal you're working towards right now?

What's a challenge you've faced recently and how did you overcome it?

What's something that always makes you smile, no matter how bad your day was?

What's a lesson you've learned recently that you wish you knew earlier in life?

In today's increasingly digital world, it's easy to lose sight of what makes us human. The constant bombardment of screens and social media can distract us from cultivating essential qualities like kindness, empathy, and resilience.

My book, Nurturing Hopeful Resilience,  guides parents and caregivers through the challenges of raising children in a technology-driven age. It explores the importance of instilling strong values in children from a young age to help them develop into compassionate, responsible, and fulfilled individuals.

Through a series of practical exercises and insightful reflections, this book delves into fourteen core values: curiosity, awareness, kindness, learning, self-awareness, fairness, playfulness, compassion, service, belonging, trustworthiness, authenticity, community, and responsibility. Understanding and nurturing these values can empower our children to thrive in a complex and ever-changing world.

This book offers a roadmap for raising children who are academically successful, emotionally intelligent, socially adept, and morally grounded. It encourages readers to prioritize human connection, empathy, and compassion over material possessions and fleeting digital distractions. By embracing the power of values, we can create a brighter future for ourselves and generations to come.