February 11 – Moving from Denial to Acceptance

“Bless a thing and it will bless you. Curse it and it will curse you…If you bless a situation, it has no power to hurt you, and even if it is troublesome for a time, it will gradually fade out, if you seriously bless it.” Emmet Fox

“Ignore the naysayers. Really the only option is, head down and focus on the job.” Chris Pine

Acceptance is a personal choice that everyone must make. What is unacceptable to one person may be acceptable to another. Additionally, what was once unacceptable to us may become acceptable over time as our perspective changes. The decision of whether to accept something is typically influenced by our beliefs, values, experiences, fears, anxieties, resentments, perceptions, and misperceptions.

Recognizing the benefits of acceptance is easy but practicing it can be difficult. We all know that it is better to accept things that we cannot change, but it can be hard to do in the moment. Miller explains that this is especially true when we are faced with difficult or challenging situations, such as job loss, financial setbacks, or the breakup of a relationship. There are many things that we may find difficult to accept, like our own limitations and frailties, the limitations and frailties of others, the character flaws and addictions of our loved ones, or the annoying traits of our parents or mates.

When you don't accept things as they are, you are closing yourself off to possibilities. You are putting a lid on the choices and opportunities that could improve your life. Acceptance allows you to see things more clearly. It removes the blinders that prevent you from seeing the possibilities that are right in front of you. When you accept things as they are, you can focus on what you can do to make things better. You are no longer wasting your energy on things that you cannot change.

Another barrier to our progress is our tendency to deny reality. We may do this because we are not aware of the truth, or because we are afraid of facing it. This seems to be happening politically, in the United States right now. We may also deny reality because we have unrealistic expectations. When we deny reality, we are closing ourselves off to the possibility of change. We are telling ourselves that things cannot be different, and this prevents us from taking action to improve our situation. We need to be willing to face the truth, even if it is unpleasant. We need to be willing to ask ourselves the difficult questions, and to be honest with ourselves about our situation. We also need to be realistic about our expectations. We need to set goals that are achievable, and we need to be willing to work hard to achieve them.

Moving from denial to acceptance often requires us to be open to challenging our deeply held beliefs. This can be a difficult process, but it is necessary if we want to truly accept reality. When we deny something, we are refusing to see it for what it is. This can be done consciously or unconsciously, but it always has the same effect: it prevents us from taking action to change our situation. Acceptance requires us to be open to seeing things as they really are. This can be painful, but it is the only way to move forward. We need to ask ourselves why we believe the things we do, and whether there is any evidence to support those beliefs. We also need to be willing to let go of beliefs that are no longer serving us. This can be a difficult process, but it is necessary if we want to truly grow and change.

As you continue practicing acceptance, your mindset will gradually shift from one of refusal and denial to one of awareness and trust. When we accept that we cannot control our loved ones, we can stop trying to change them. When we accept that we cannot control our friends, we can stop trying to manipulate them. When we accept that we cannot control our adversaries, we can stop trying to get revenge on them. When we accept our life circumstances, we can stop trying to fight against them. When we accept reality, we can start to let go of the need to control it. Letting go of control is a journey, not a destination. It takes time and effort, but it is worth it. When we let go of control, we can start to live a more peaceful and fulfilling life.

Writing this week has helped prepare me for conversations with my sister. First, I was aware that quite often she found me bossy. I’m the big sister, so that’s been my job for almost 50 years. In being bossy towards her, it told her that I did not think she could handle her own life and responsibilities and that I had all of the knowledge and wisdom. I was texting with her yesterday and I found myself telling her what to do about a situation. I realized what I was doing, stopped and apologized. Then she said what her plan was and I accepted it. It was such a relief! I no longer felt that it was partly my responsibility. I know my mom would have wanted me to look out for my brother and sister, but she would not want me to try to control them or boss them around. It felt good to give up control of her situation. I’m hoping it gave her the feeling that she had control over it.

Another area where I am having trouble is my son becoming an adult. In this area, I feel I am doing well. He recently went to college orientation and when he came home said, “You wouldn’t believe how many parents were there!” I replied, “Really? You didn’t want me to be there, did you?” He exclaimed, “No way!” So, I’m on the right track there, although it always feels like a balancing act.

In The Stress Prescription, Elissa Epel writes of strategies to accept and adapt. “Don’t fight against circumstances you can’t control. Accept reality, adapt quickly, and problem-solve from there.”

When you accept “what is,” you are free to discover “what might be!”

Exercise: Write down a list of things that you are having difficulty accepting. Next to each item, write down why you are having difficulty accepting it. Once you have a better understanding of why you are struggling to accept something, you can start to work on overcoming those challenges.

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