April 25 – The Opposite of Belonging: Loneliness

“Loneliness, far from revealing some defect, is proof that your innate search for connection is intact. So instead of hiding from your loneliness, bring it into the light. Honor it. Treat it. Heal it. You’ll find that it returns the favor.” Martha Beck

In our quest to understand the human need for belonging, we must also explore its antithesis: loneliness. Loneliness isn't merely the absence of company; it's a profound sense of disconnection, an emotional state where one feels isolated, misunderstood, and unloved. As Vivek H. Murthy, the former Surgeon General of the United States, aptly puts it, "When we feel socially disconnected, we often feel unknown." Loneliness doesn't just affect our relationships with others; it distorts our self-perception, blurring our inner mirrors and overshadowing our inner strengths and values.

Loneliness can stem from various sources. Sometimes, it's the result of external circumstances, like moving to a new city or starting a new job. For instance, when I moved in the 5th grade, I went from being surrounded by friends and succeeding academically to being bullied and watching my grades plummet to barely passing. Overnight, I felt alienated, like an outsider looking in, yearning for the comfort and familiarity of belonging.

“There are two basic human yearnings, to feel at home in one’s own skin and to feel at home on this wonderful earth. To only connect with your own ego is to be in a very lonely place. Our sense of self is a communal construct. Whether you put it theologically or biologically, we are created for community. Without community, we struggle. It’s as if we didn’t have oxygen to breathe.” Dr. Parker J. Palmer

As Murthy points out, "Loneliness is the subjective feeling that you're lacking the social connections you need." Even when surrounded by people, loneliness can persist, aching for genuine closeness, trust, and affection. Loneliness manifests in different dimensions: intimate or emotional loneliness, relational or social loneliness, and collective loneliness, each highlighting the diverse ways our social connections can be lacking.

Loneliness is more pervasive than one might think. Murthy observes, "There's every reason to believe that the stigma around loneliness also will decline if and when we are willing to speak openly about our experiences and understand loneliness for what it is, a near-universal human condition." In a world where technology promises unprecedented connectivity, loneliness remains a pressing issue. Junger notes, "Although we’re more connected digitally and living in closer proximity to one another than at any point in the history of the world, we’ve never felt more isolated and alone."

“Remember…nobody wins unless everybody wins.” Bruce Springsteen

The COVID-19 pandemic further exacerbated feelings of loneliness. Society faced a challenging dilemma: staying alive meant isolating ourselves, potentially leading to loneliness, while being together risked infection or even death. This pandemic-induced isolation highlighted our innate need for human connection and the profound impact of its absence.

Loneliness doesn't merely cause emotional distress; it has tangible, detrimental effects on our health. Murthy cites studies linking loneliness to a greater risk of coronary heart disease, high blood pressure, stroke, dementia, depression, and anxiety. Furthermore, lonely individuals are more likely to experience lower-quality sleep, immune system dysfunction, impulsive behavior, and impaired judgment.

This vicious cycle of loneliness can lead to self-destructive behaviors. Murthy notes, "Then the risk of self-destructive behaviors increases. Many people use drugs, alcohol, food, and sex to numb the emotional pain of loneliness." The combination of loneliness and stigma creates a cascade of consequences affecting not only individual health but also societal well-being.

“The thing that I have learned is that vulnerability is at the center of fear and shame, but it is also at the center of joy, gratitude, love and belonging.” Brené Brown

Loneliness is a multifaceted experience influenced by various factors, including genetics, past experiences, current circumstances, culture, and personality. Dr. John Cacioppo's evolutionary theory of loneliness emphasizes our species' reliance on social connections for survival. As Murthy explains, "Humans have survived as a species not because we have physical advantages like size, strength, or speed, but because of our ability to connect in social groups."

In modern society, factors like affluence, urbanization, and technology have further complicated our relationship with loneliness. Junger points out, "First agriculture, then industry, changed two fundamental things about the human experience...we can be surrounded by others and yet feel deeply, dangerously alone."

Loneliness is a profound human experience, a silent epidemic affecting millions worldwide. Its origins are complex, its prevalence alarming, and its consequences severe. As we delve deeper into the human need for belonging, understanding loneliness becomes crucial. It's a reminder of our vulnerability, our interconnectedness, and our shared humanity.

Activity -

Nature Retreat: Spend a day in nature, away from digital distractions, reconnecting with yourself and reflect on your feelings.

In today's increasingly digital world, it's easy to lose sight of what makes us human. The constant bombardment of screens and social media can distract us from cultivating essential qualities like kindness, empathy, and resilience.

My book, Nurturing Hopeful Resilience,  guides parents and caregivers through the challenges of raising children in a technology-driven age. It explores the importance of instilling strong values in children from a young age to help them develop into compassionate, responsible, and fulfilled individuals.

Through a series of practical exercises and insightful reflections, this book delves into fourteen core values: curiosity, awareness, kindness, learning, self-awareness, fairness, playfulness, compassion, service, belonging, trustworthiness, authenticity, community, and responsibility. Understanding and nurturing these values can empower our children to thrive in a complex and ever-changing world.

This book offers a roadmap for raising children who are academically successful, emotionally intelligent, socially adept, and morally grounded. It encourages readers to prioritize human connection, empathy, and compassion over material possessions and fleeting digital distractions. By embracing the power of values, we can create a brighter future for ourselves and generations to come.