February 8 – Embracing the Middle Space: Navigating Relationships Through Acceptance

“Continue to embrace the things that make you unique even if it makes others uncomfortable.” Janelle Monáe

“Everything in life that we really accept undergoes a change.” Katherine Mansfield

“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.” Thomas Merton

I recently read the book Microjoys by Cyndie Spiegel. These are some of the many epiphanies I had while reading this incredible book.

We often see the world in black and white, with no room for gray areas. This can be limiting because it doesn't allow us to acknowledge the full range of human emotions and experiences.

For example, we might think that we can't be both happy and sad or both grieving and joyful. But the truth is that we can experience multiple emotions at once.

Life is messy and complicated, and it's okay not to have all the answers.

When we allow ourselves to embrace the middle space, we open ourselves up to a deeper understanding of ourselves and the world around us.

This middle space is where we can find both joy and sorrow, love and loss, hope and despair. It's the place where we can be both right and wrong, good and bad, strong and weak.

It's the place where we can truly be ourselves.

When we learn to accept the middle space, we become more compassionate and understanding of others. We also become more resilient and better able to cope with difficult times.

So next time you're feeling conflicted or confused, remember that it's okay to be in the middle space. It's where the magic happens.

Let’s keep these ideas in mind as we find ways to bring empathy, compassion, and ultimately, acceptance to the forefront of all of our relationships. Let’s start with those we are closest to, our partners.

As Daniel Miller states in The Gifts of Acceptance, “When you expect too much of your loved one, you aren’t accepting them.” He goes on to explain, “Underlying many of our expectations are the needs we look to have fulfilled.” So very often, when we are not accepting of others, it often has more to do with us than them.

Regrettably, the attempt to alter or manage others often results in a decrease in closeness and rapport. Even if we believe our motives for control are beneficial, the outcome remains one of intrusion. On the other hand, when we embrace others as they are, the inclination to modify them becomes unnecessary. As Maya Angelou once said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” Or as my mom used to tell me, “Never try to change another person.”

As Miller explains, when we accept others for who they are, we are giving them the gift of unconditional love and friendship. This means that we love and accept them regardless of their flaws, quirks, or mistakes. It makes them feel safe and secure, and it allows them to be themselves around us. This can be a very healing and empowering experience for them.

It also releases us from the need to be people pleasers. When we don't feel like we have to change ourselves to be accepted, we can relax and be more authentic. This can lead to deeper and more meaningful relationships. In 2009, I went from being constantly critiqued for every little thing to a new relationship where I was loved not in spite of my quirks, but because of them. It felt incredible. I finally felt safe to be myself and to grow. I am in a much healthier relationship now. Even in the healthiest relationships, there still need to be boundaries, but we will touch upon this later.

Now we will move into the realm of relationships with our parents. Our parents are their own people with their own thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. We may not always agree with them, but we need to respect their right to their own opinions. When we try to force our parents to think or act the way we want them to, we are communicating that we don't value their individuality. This can lead to resentment and conflict.

It's important to remember that our parents have lived a lot longer than we have and have experienced many things that we haven't. They may have different views on the world because of their own unique experiences. We need to try to understand their perspective, even if we don't agree with it.

If we can accept our parents for who they are, it will make our relationships with them stronger. We can still disagree with them, but we can do so respectfully. This will help to create a more harmonious and loving home environment. Accepting our parents can be liberating for us! It releases us from the hold of the past and the anger or resentment for what they did or didn’t do for us. Even if your parents caused serious issues for you, two things are for sure: blaming them won’t change anything and you are the only person who can overcome what happened. This is especially true if your parent is no longer alive, and you can no longer communicate with them.

Here are some tips to help accept your parents as they are: process your negative feelings, be compassionate, lower your expectations, acknowledge your parents’ gift, remember their personal history, do not blame them for your problems, take care of your own needs, and be thankful for what they have given you.

Accepting our parents makes us better parents ourselves. When you understand and forgive what happened to you, you have a better awareness of the importance of doing better by your own children.

Due to fear and concern for a child’s well-being, many parents can be too controlling. They think they know what is best for their children. They risk seriously impacting their bond. We should always pay attention to overly managing our child’s life. These actions jeopardize their personal growth, development, and resiliency. As a teacher, I have seen parents micromanage every aspect of their child’s life from how every minute of every day is spent to every morsel of food that goes in their mouth to every interaction they have with others.

Parenting is a delicate balancing act. On the one hand, we want to accept our children for who they are, flaws and all. On the other hand, we also need to provide them with guidance and discipline. The challenge is finding the right balance between these two things. It's important to remember that every child is different. What works for one child may not work for another. We need to be mindful of our children's unique nature and maturity level when setting limits and expectations.

Sometimes, we may be unwilling to accept our children's desires and choices because we are more concerned with our own ego than with their well-being. We may be worried about what other people will think of us if our children make different choices than we did, or we may be afraid of being embarrassed or judged. However, it is important to remember that our children are not extensions of ourselves. They are their own unique individuals with their own thoughts, feelings, and desires. We need to respect their right to make their own choices, even if we don't agree with them. When we are unwilling to accept our children's choices, we send them the message that we don't trust them or respect them. This can damage their self-esteem and make them feel like they can't make their own decisions. It can also lead to resentment and conflict in the parent-child relationship. The peer pressure from groups of moms is real and can often feel as painful as a middle school clique. We have to remember those other parents and what they think are never as important as our own child.

Parents must balance ensuring their child’s health, safety, and well-being; fostering good morals, family values, and ethics; and encouraging learning- while not obstructing their child’s personal growth, self-reliance, life path, and allowing them to grow their resilience. A great way to achieve this healthy balance is by listening attentively to our children. This is a very healing process that leads to acceptance.  Listening attentively to our children means hearing them out without interrupting, advising, judging, or criticizing. We should give them our full attention and try to understand their point of view. It is important to remember that our children live in a different world than we did when we were growing up. They have different life circumstances and cultural/societal environments. We need to be mindful of these differences when we listen to them. Just think back to listening to your parents talk about their walk to school - in the snow, uphill - both ways! It’s sad but true, this is how our children feel when we try to relate what is happening to them with what happened to us as kids. Can you understand the eyerolls and sighs now?

On to the last category of relationships for today: friends. When our friends don't act or respond the way we expect them to, we may be tempted to try to change them. However, this is the opposite of accepting them. If we want to have healthy and lasting friendships, we need to learn to accept our friends for who they are.

When we take the time to build relationships with people who are different from us, we can learn a lot about the world and about ourselves. We can also experience the joy of connection and acceptance. When we build relationships with people who are different from us, we are opening ourselves up to new experiences and new possibilities. We are also creating a more tolerant and accepting world.

As Dorcas Cheng-Tozun explains in her groundbreaking book, Social Justice for the Sensitive Soul, “Be curious. Be respectful. Be understanding. Be kind. Be present. Be yourself. The potential for great change can come from almost any relationship, if we are willing to give it the time, care, and attention it needs to flourish.”

Game - Empathy Charades: Play charades with a twist – instead of acting out words, act out emotions or situations that require understanding and empathy.

My book, Nurturing Hopeful Resilience, guides parents and caregivers through the challenges of raising children in a technology-driven age. It explores the importance of instilling strong values in children from a young age to help them develop into compassionate, responsible, and fulfilled individuals.

Through a series of practical exercises and insightful reflections, this book delves into fourteen core values: curiosity, awareness, kindness, learning, self-awareness, fairness, playfulness, compassion, service, belonging, trustworthiness, authenticity, community, and responsibility. Understanding and nurturing these values can empower our children to thrive in a complex and ever-changing world.

This book offers a roadmap for raising children who are academically successful, emotionally intelligent, socially adept, and morally grounded. It encourages readers to prioritize human connection, empathy, and compassion over material possessions and fleeting digital distractions. By embracing the power of values, we can create a brighter future for ourselves and generations to come.