February 22 – Self-Compassion: It's Not Selfish, It's Essential

“Self-compassion can be an antidote to the cruelty we sometimes inflict on ourselves.” Mark Leary

“A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day. A string of such moments can change the course of your life.” Christopher K. Germer

“The way for me to have compassion for myself was to own my mistakes.” Catherine Hoke

Rick Hansen states in his book, Resilient, “You learn to be calmer or more compassionate the same way you learn anything else: through repeated practice.” In Social Justice for the Sensitive Soul, Dorcas Cheng-Tozun writes, “We contribute the most when we contribute from a healthy place.” She explains that this requires that we extend ourselves compassion and that we listen carefully to the warning signals of our hearts, minds, and bodies.

Compassion for yourself is important, since recognizing your own needs and being moved to do something to meet them is a good first step toward practicing compassion toward others. Educational psychologist, Kristin Neff, discovered that self-compassion, the opposite of self-sacrifice, can offer amazing benefits. “Self-compassion strengthens our coping muscles, builds our resilience in the face of challenging and painful experiences, and empowers us to speak out when something isn’t right.” She describes offering the same kindness to ourselves that we would offer to a friend. This allows us to respond to our own mistakes with concern and understanding rather than criticism and shame.

According to Neff, self-compassion has three parts: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.  When we treat ourselves with compassion, we accept our limitations and imperfections without beating ourselves up. We are caring and kind to ourselves, even when we are going through a difficult time. We remind ourselves that everyone feels inadequate or has limitations at times. We recognize that everyone experiences challenges in life. And when we are feeling down, we try to understand our feelings with curiosity and acceptance, rather than rejecting or judging ourselves. Desmond Tutu describes the struggle with perfectionism, “Sometimes we get too angry with ourselves thinking we ought to be perfect from the word go. But this being on earth is a time to learn to be good, to learn to be more loving, and to learn to be compassionate.” We’re all human and doing the best that we can.

You are the only person that can give you understanding that you are worthy of time, help, rest, and the kindness of talking to yourself with respect. You are good enough. Acknowledge your humanity. You deserve the generosity that you would extend to others. Be okay with making mistakes. Don’t define yourself as either selfish or selfless. You are allowed to consider yourself along with those you care about when making decisions. In their book Option B, Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant say, “Self-compassion often coexists with remorse. It does not mean shirking responsibility for our past. It’s about making sure that we don’t beat ourselves up so badly that we damage the future.”

Instead of blaming ourselves as a person, we can focus on our actions and feel guilt instead of shame. This can be a difficult shift to make, but it is an important one. Guilt is a feeling of regret or remorse for something we have done wrong. Shame, on the other hand, is a negative feeling about yourself as a whole. When we feel guilty, we are still motivated to do better. We want to make amends for our mistakes and learn from them. Shame, on the other hand, can be paralyzing. It can make us feel like we are worthless and that we can never change.

Here is a concrete example of how calling out, shaming, belittling, canceling, or shouting down people who think differently from us can make it harder to create a beloved community:

Imagine a community where people are afraid to express their true beliefs because they are worried about being attacked. This would be a very divided and distrustful community. It would be difficult for people to come together and work together to solve problems.

On the other hand, imagine a community where people feel safe expressing their beliefs, even if others disagree with them. This would be a much more peaceful and inclusive community. People would be more likely to trust each other and work together for the common good.

Grant and Sandberg go on to say, “We want others to be happy. Allowing ourselves to be happy, accepting that it is okay to push through the guilt and seek joy, is a triumph. Having fun is a form of self-compassion; just as we need to be kind to ourselves when we make mistakes, we also need to be kind to ourselves by enjoying life when we can.”

Activity: Sandberg and Grant write, “A hundred experiments have documented the therapeutic effect of journaling. It has helped medical students, patients with chronic pain, crime victims, maximum security prisoners, and women after childbirth. Writing about traumatic events can decrease anxiety and anger, boost grades, reduce absences from work, and lessen the emotional impact from job loss. Health benefits include higher T-cell counts, better liver function, and stronger antibody responses. Even journaling for a few minutes a few times can make a difference.” Writing can be a powerful tool for learning self-compassion. Turning feelings into words can help us process and overcome adversity.

Here is a writing activity suggested by Grant and Sandberg: Recall a failure or humiliation that made you feel bad about yourself. Write a letter to yourself expressing the understanding you would offer to a friend in the same situation.

Another idea is to make a list of three things that went well today. We always beat ourselves up over things. This activity helps us celebrate the small wins, even if they were that you got out of bed and brushed your teeth!

In today's increasingly digital world, it's easy to lose sight of what makes us human. The constant bombardment of screens and social media can distract us from cultivating essential qualities like kindness, empathy, and resilience.

My book, Nurturing Hopeful Resilience, guides parents and caregivers through the challenges of raising children in a technology-driven age. It explores the importance of instilling strong values in children from a young age to help them develop into compassionate, responsible, and fulfilled individuals.

Through a series of practical exercises and insightful reflections, this book delves into fourteen core values: curiosity, awareness, kindness, learning, self-awareness, fairness, playfulness, compassion, service, belonging, trustworthiness, authenticity, community, and responsibility. Understanding and nurturing these values can empower our children to thrive in a complex and ever-changing world.

This book offers a roadmap for raising children who are academically successful, emotionally intelligent, socially adept, and morally grounded. It encourages readers to prioritize human connection, empathy, and compassion over material possessions and fleeting digital distractions. By embracing the power of values, we can create a brighter future for ourselves and generations to come.