March 1 – Taming Your Inner Critic: Overcoming Self-Doubt and Cultivating Self-Compassion

“If you don’t have confidence, you’ll always find a way not to win.” Carl Lewis

In her book, Why Has No One Told Me This Before?, Julie Smith writes, “Lots of self-help books tell us how to get our mindset right. They tell us, ‘What you think will change how you feel.’ But they often miss something crucial. It doesn’t end there. The relationship works both ways. The way you feel also influences the types of thoughts that can pop into your head, making you more vulnerable to experiencing thoughts that are negative and self-critical.” This passage gave me an a-ha moment.

Your mind is constantly analyzing the information it receives to understand your surroundings. However, it only has limited input to work with. It gathers data from your body, all of your senses, and your actions and thoughts. It combines these clues with memories of similar past experiences and formulates a hypothesis about what is happening and how you should respond.

“What am I living for and what am I dying for are the same question.” Margaret Atwood

Smith articulates that the guess our mind makes can sometimes be felt as an emotion or mood. While emotions are genuine and legitimate, they do not represent objective realities. They are merely the brain's interpretation of the world, designed to assist you in fulfilling your needs and ensuring your survival. Mistaking our current emotions and thoughts for absolute truths allows them to dictate our future thoughts and actions. Consequently, our lives become a sequence of emotional reactions rather than well-considered decisions.

How do we deal with these emotions, then? We should not believe they are facts, but we should not push them away. Smith describes how dealing with emotions is the same as standing in the waves. “When we try to stop feelings in their tracks, we easily get knocked off our feet and find ourselves in trouble, struggling to catch a breath and work out which way is up. When we allow the emotion to wash over us, it rises, peaks, and descends, taking its natural course.”

Our internal dialogue can either exacerbate our stress or lead us to a state of calmness. Self-criticism often fuels depression rather than fostering motivation. This realization often surprises people. The prospect of failure can zap motivation. We should judge ourselves compared to our own past performances and not based on others or on perfectionistic standards.

When we respond to failure without attacks on our personality and instead focus on the specifics of the moment, holding our awareness that imperfection is an intrinsic part of our common humanity, the result, emotionally, is different.

“Lighten up on yourself. No one is perfect. Gently accept your humanness.” Deborah Day

Our actions and inactions significantly impact our emotional state. When we experience low spirits, our inclination is to withdraw and isolate ourselves. The activities that once brought us joy seem less appealing, and we opt for inactivity. However, prolonged disengagement from these activities exacerbates our negative mood, creating a vicious cycle of isolation and worsened emotional well-being. Smith gives the following example to illustrate this problem. “Let’s say you have been too busy to exercise for a few weeks. You feel tired and low in mood, so exercising is the last thing you want to do. The longer you avoid exercise, the more you feel lethargic and low on energy. When you are low on energy, the chance of exercising goes down, along with your mood.” It’s a vicious cycle I can personally attest to!

In their book, Think Confident, Be Confident, Dr. Marci Fox and Dr. Leslie Sokol explain self-doubt. They explain how self-doubt can impact our moods and actions, the way we feel about our bodies, and our motivation. “It leads you to believe you lack intelligence, abilities, or skills, even when the evidence shows otherwise. When you doubt yourself, you focus on your perceived weaknesses and don’t fully consider your strengths. You unknowingly make things harder on yourself. You get in your own way.”

Self-doubt erodes self-confidence, leading you to believe you're in trouble when you're not and that you're incapable of handling situations when you can. It's the voice in your head whispering that you're inadequate, that you'll face rejection, or that you're a failure. Self-doubt needlessly saps your energy and steers you away from achieving your goals, whether it's personal happiness, social fulfillment, athletic or business success, creative endeavors, or academic or professional achievements. The negative thoughts fueled by self-doubt create unnecessary hurdles on your path.

Self-doubt is a pervasive internal dialogue that constantly questions our worth and capabilities. It manifests as an inability to fully trust, believe in, and champion ourselves. At its core, self-doubt reflects a deep-seated lack of self-trust. Embracing self-trust becomes a challenge when we harbor doubts about our instincts and judgment, when we believe we're somehow inadequate.

In her book, Already Enough, Lisa Olivera asserts that “self-doubt manifests in a variety of ways. We might find ourselves constantly double-checking before we make a decision. We might let uncertainty stop us from doing something we really want to try. We might question ourselves repeatedly, often to a point of dysfunction. It might even feel hard to stand firmly in our beliefs, or to speak up for ourselves and those around us.”

Self-doubt tends to rear its head when we venture beyond the confines of our comfort zone, attempting to hinder our growth and exploration. Recognizing the emergence of self-doubt is crucial, as it allows us to step back and gain a fresh perspective on a narrative that may no longer be beneficial to our personal development.

Despite our awareness of the detrimental impact of negative thought patterns, altering our thinking when feeling down proves extremely challenging. The pervasive 'positive vibes only' mantra often touted on social media further complicates the situation, adding pressure to maintain an unrealistic state of perpetual positivity.

“You better not compromise yourself. It’s all you got.” Janis Joplin

Our mind often seeks solace in the very behaviors you're attempting to change, those ingrained patterns that typically don't serve your best interests. These patterns, such as overspending, excessive phone use, substance abuse, or harsh self-talk, are seen by your brain as a means of escaping discomfort. In its view, any form of self-criticism or external criticism is a perceived attack, triggering a fear-based response that drives you to seek refuge in these familiar yet detrimental patterns.

Smith declares “each of those things is inviting because they work in the short term. They give us that instant distraction and numbing that we crave. That is, until we switch off the TV, close down the app, or sober up, and then the feelings come back. Each time we go round that cycle the feelings come back even more intense.”

When you expend energy on self-criticism or emotional numbing, you not only deplete your reserves for meaningful pursuits and effective coping mechanisms, but you also hinder your ability to focus, stifle your creativity, and diminish your sense of inspiration.

“Respecting wherever you find yourself is good enough.” Colin Farrell

You have other voices inside of you besides an inner critic. You may have an optimist who is always hopeful. You may have a quirky voice with creative ideas and unique plans. You might have a wise voice who comes from a place of experience. Listen to these voices, too!

Fox and Sokol suggest “believing in yourself means being equipped with effective skills to pursue your goals, trust you’ve made the right decision, and take appropriate action. Taking action is the best way to solidify your confidence. When you face the tough challenges in life and don’t shy away from unpleasant situations, when you do things even when they are hard or uncomfortable, your confidence will grow.”

Self-compassion can be challenging to cultivate, and some days may present greater obstacles than others. Nevertheless, persistence is key in embracing self-compassion. As you cultivate self-acceptance and self-love, regardless of your aspirations or setbacks, you foster a more supportive environment within your mind and body. This nurturing environment encourages you to persevere on your journey with a sense of safety and security.

“Real life isn’t always going to be perfect or go our way, but the recurring acknowledgement of what is working in our lives can help us not only survive but surmount our difficulties.” Sarah Ban Breathnach

No matter what happens or how often, get up and try again. Remind yourself that there are billions of other humans getting back up and trying every single day.

Activity: Nightly Mantra

Find the words that you need to hear and repeat them to yourself as you drift off to sleep. It could be as simple as, “I am on my own side.” It could even be something catchy like, “I’ve done my best. I release the rest.”

In today's increasingly digital world, it's easy to lose sight of what makes us human. The constant bombardment of screens and social media can distract us from cultivating essential qualities like kindness, empathy, and resilience.

My book, Nurturing Hopeful Resilience, guides parents and caregivers through the challenges of raising children in a technology-driven age. It explores the importance of instilling strong values in children from a young age to help them develop into compassionate, responsible, and fulfilled individuals.

Through a series of practical exercises and insightful reflections, this book delves into fourteen core values: curiosity, awareness, kindness, learning, self-awareness, fairness, playfulness, compassion, service, belonging, trustworthiness, authenticity, community, and responsibility. Understanding and nurturing these values can empower our children to thrive in a complex and ever-changing world.

This book offers a roadmap for raising children who are academically successful, emotionally intelligent, socially adept, and morally grounded. It encourages readers to prioritize human connection, empathy, and compassion over material possessions and fleeting digital distractions. By embracing the power of values, we can create a brighter future for ourselves and generations to come.