March 3 – A Deep Dive into Core Beliefs and Self-Awareness

“There is something in every one of you that waits and listens for the sound of the genuine in yourself. It is the only true guide you will ever have. And if you cannot hear it, you will all of your life spend your days on the ends of strings that someone else pulls.” Howard Thurman

What are your beliefs? Where did they come from? It takes time, energy, and knowledge about how beliefs are formed to answer these questions. If we can answer these questions, we come a lot closer to self-awareness.

Nicole Lepera, in her book How to Do the Work, defines a belief as a practical thought grounded in lived experience. “Beliefs are built up over years of thought patterns and require both interior and exterior validation to thrive.” What we believe about ourselves shapes our worldview, like a filter changing the light coming through a window. She explains that the more we practice certain thoughts, the more our brain wires itself to default to these thought patterns. Lepera states, ”When a belief is repeatedly validated, it can become what is called a core belief, core beliefs are our deepest perceptions about our identity; they were installed in our subconscious before the age of 7.”

“I didn’t become successful until I became myself.” Sam Smith

These might be beliefs like, “I’m an early bird” or “I’m a night owl”; “I suck at math” or “I love to read”; “I’m smart” or “I have no sense of direction”; “I’m an introvert” or “I’m outgoing”.  Lepera states, “though it may seem as though our core beliefs are our own because we’ve practiced them without question, they came to us mostly from our parent-figures, home and community environments, and earliest experiences.”

The stories we tell ourselves about ourselves, our relationships, and our world become the blueprints for our lives. By revising our core narratives, we can rebuild our present and redefine our future. These core beliefs can be challenged and even changed.

“You’re never going to be good at pretending to be someone else; all you can do is be yourself.” Ziwe Fumudoh

Take math, for example. When I was in 4th grade, we were learning the times tables. There was a chart at the front of the classroom with everyone’s name. You got a sticker on the chart when you had mastered a set of times tables. I got stuck at the four times tables. I watched as all my classmates continued on and I remained stuck. I thought I just wasn’t good at math. This belief followed me through high school, as I struggled with Algebra and Geometry. When I was in college, I had to take four Statistics classes as part of my Psychology degree. I dreaded this. I found out that I loved Statistics and I was actually good at it. This experience helped change my belief about my math skills and now I enjoy long division and multiplying in my head.

My son is having the opposite experience. As a child, he always excelled at math. When he was learning his shapes, as a three-year old, he knew simple ones like, circle, square, and even rectangle and triangle. Then he shocked me, even as a teacher, when he learned an octagon, hexagon, nonagon. It was incredible. In Kindergarten, he was doing times tables and by First Grade, square root. In some classes he had trouble because he did everything in his head and teachers wanted to see his work so they could make sure his process was correct. But when it came to Calculus, he really had a problem. This is the first time in his life he has had trouble with math, and I believe part of this is because it challenges his core belief about his math abilities.

“You have to be unique, and different, and shine in your own way.” Lady Gaga

Lepera tells us, “Once a core belief is formed, you engage in what is called a confirmation of bias; information that does not conform to your beliefs is discarded or ignored in favor of information that does.” Confirmation bias can create several problems within ourselves, hindering our personal growth and distorting our perception of the world. We may only seek information and evidence that confirms our existing beliefs, ignoring or discrediting anything that contradicts them. This hinders our ability to learn, grow, and develop new perspectives. For example, someone convinced they're bad at math might avoid studying or practicing, making it harder to improve. By focusing on negative information that confirms our insecurities or fears, we can spiral into self-doubt and negativity. This can lead to anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. For instance, someone believing they're not lovable might misinterpret neutral interactions as rejection, reinforcing their negative view. Confirmation bias can distort our perception of others, leading to misinterpretations and misunderstandings. We may unfairly judge them based on limited information or selectively pick out flaws that confirm our preconceived notions about them. This can damage relationships and lead to unnecessary conflict. When making decisions, we may weight information according to how it confirms our existing beliefs, regardless of its actual relevance or accuracy. This can lead to poor choices based on faulty assumptions and missed opportunities. For example, someone convinced investing is risky might miss out on potential gains due to their biased perspective. By seeking out information sources that confirm our beliefs, we create an echo chamber where we're constantly bombarded with confirmation. This reinforces our biases and makes it difficult to challenge them or develop new perspectives. This can foster close-mindedness and hinder critical thinking.

“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” Albus Dumbledore in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets by J.K. Rowling

Overall, confirmation bias can act as a filter, distorting our self-perception and limiting our potential for growth, happiness, and success. By recognizing its influence and actively seeking out diverse perspectives, we can break free from its grip and cultivate a more open and balanced view of ourselves and the world around us. Confirmation bias creates stress and inner turmoil. The more we think something, the more likely we are to believe it.

In her book, Microjoys, Cyndie Spiegel explains, “Who we were yesterday matters as much as who we will become tomorrow. And when we learn to release self-judgment and accept all the parts of who we are, we appreciate the profound wisdom that resides below the surface of our being.” We can unlearn and relearn as adults. What core beliefs do you want to hold on to and which ones would it make life easier to let go of?

Create a "Belief Tree": Draw a tree representing your current belief system. The trunk represents your core beliefs, branches for secondary beliefs, and leaves for specific thoughts and attitudes. This can be a visual tool for exploring interconnectedness and potential areas for change.

In today's increasingly digital world, it's easy to lose sight of what makes us human. The constant bombardment of screens and social media can distract us from cultivating essential qualities like kindness, empathy, and resilience.

My book, Nurturing Hopeful Resilience, guides parents and caregivers through the challenges of raising children in a technology-driven age. It explores the importance of instilling strong values in children from a young age to help them develop into compassionate, responsible, and fulfilled individuals.

Through a series of practical exercises and insightful reflections, this book delves into fourteen core values: curiosity, awareness, kindness, learning, self-awareness, fairness, playfulness, compassion, service, belonging, trustworthiness, authenticity, community, and responsibility. Understanding and nurturing these values can empower our children to thrive in a complex and ever-changing world.

This book offers a roadmap for raising children who are academically successful, emotionally intelligent, socially adept, and morally grounded. It encourages readers to prioritize human connection, empathy, and compassion over material possessions and fleeting digital distractions. By embracing the power of values, we can create a brighter future for ourselves and generations to come.